A real guide to real estate

So, as you all know, I work in apartment management.  In our area, Craigslist is the ideal way to market available properties to the general public.  It's free, it takes almost no time to post an ad, and the new tenants storm the office like ants on a picnic.

So it's only natural that we spend a lot of time on Craigslist perusing the available rentals, as well as properties for sale.  Through our strenuous research, Emily and I have put together a guide to real estate that will be priceless for any of you looking for your new home.  Really, you can thank us later.

This is my official rendering of Emily and I opening our own Real Estate business. 

Mature Landscaping = Old as heck.  You'll be tearing shit out for weeks trying to make it look good.  And the trees are going to provide too much shade for your flowers, so they'll die.

Charming = You'll love it.  Your husband will be filing the divorce papers in the morning.  Prioritize please, people.

"It has Character" = This house is going to need LOTS of work

Family Friendly Neighborhood = Hope you like waking up and going to bed with the sounds of screaming kids

Pet Friendly Neighborhood = watch out for the land mines.  Woof.

Close knit community = there are a bunch of gossiping biddies down the street.  Don't say you weren't warned.

Exclusive neighborhood = hope you like keeping up appearances.  Oh, and you're going to pay way too much for that house.  Enjoy.

Sold in "As-is" condition = structural problems and/or mold.  Maybe even a meth lab.  Tear that sucker down and start over.

Cozy = maybe it would be best if you were homeless right before you move into this place... because nothing you own right now is going to fit.

Perfectly updated = For who??? Why are they moving if it's so damn perfect?  There are problems here.  You just don't know it.

Tons of sunlight = Enjoy that summertime electric bill!  Your AC is going to be working overtime.

Older home = Hello sky-high utility bills!  You can bet your bottom dollar this one's not energy efficient

So Emily and I hope that we've been able to help you when next you're looking for a place to call home.  If you can read the signs, you're going to know EXACTLY what you're paying for.  Have a great day everyone!