And then I realized, that despite all of these things I do share, I still censor myself a whole dang lot on this blog. How is it that I can feel so laid bare here, and yet I know there are so many things that I have locked away, and decided are not "appropriate" for this space? Why should I ignore my struggle to find faith? Why should I not tell you all about my political beliefs?
Because what if they don't like me anymore? What if they all walk away from this place, and don't come back? What if they can't handle all of the things that I feel, believe, and hold to be true? What if they look at me sideways because every now and again I drink a beer?
I realize that if these things weren't okay with you guys, you would have walked away a while ago. I've made no secret of the fact that I don't practice a particular religion right now, that I live "in sin", that I see nothing wrong with responsible alcohol consumption. I periodically even dance 10 feet away from the subject of politics. But I obsess each and every time I make a comment about these parts of my life. I worry that people think less of me. I try to be the "perfect" blogger, the one who has it all together, who isn't constantly living life from one crisis to the next. But that is where I am... that is what my life has felt like for the last few years now. In the last 6 years, my mom has had 2 major medical crises. I've moved 4 times, changed jobs 5 times, been in some terrible relationships, found love, lost love, found better love. It's been a whirlwind. I know it isn't going to settle down anytime soon. My worries are bigger than I am... they are so big, and sometimes I feel like they want to engulf me, and carry me for miles in a bad direction. They want me to succumb, and to wait for the worst to happen. To allow myself to lose.
If I weren't so afraid, I would tell you all of the fears, all of the worries, all of the uncertainty that I currently face. I would ask you to listen over Skype or Google chat as we drank hot beverages and I cried about how I have no control over what comes next, and how terrified I am of that prospect.
If I weren't so afraid, I would ask you to allow me to talk with you honestly about God, and about religion, and about my journey as it's written so far. I would ask that you drink a grape-based beverage, and allow me to try to make sense of the jumble of thoughts and feelings that surround this issue for me. I would ask you to pray for my guidance in finding answers to questions that I've never found satisfactory answers to.
If I weren't so afraid, I would tell you exactly what I think of the state of our Nation. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to speak out about what I think is right and wrong with our current system. I would tell you about my ex-boyfriend, the hippie in the woods, who heavily influenced my ideas and beliefs about the world that we live in. I would talk to you about how a little music festival in Nederland, CO did more to shape my beliefs than any other event. I would tell you that there is more to politics than red and blue.
If I weren't so afraid, I would tell everyone that bullying in schools WILL NOT STOP until we as adults stop bullying each other. How in the world are children supposed to see all of the negative political propaganda, and then be expected to be kind and respectful to one another? How can we teach children to be better human beings than we actually are?
If I am brave, I will push the publish button... because bravery is not the absence of fear, just the acknowledgement that there are things more powerful than fear. And that those things are worth the price.
** Special thanks to Shaylynn for emailing me at the right moment, and allowing me to feel alright about publishing this.**