I'm sorry I haven't been here that much for a while. I actually come to this place pretty often. I start to write, to create, and.... the words come out, but they either come out wrong, or they just aren't right. I don't understand it, really, and I find myself deleting draft after draft of the things I wish I could tell you.
I just don't remember how to do it anymore.
How to express the hard stuff without coming across too self-deprecating, too pathetic, too sad.
How to express the thoughtful stuff completely, yet concisely, and in a way that matters to anyone (even me).
How to express the joy and goodness without seeming like a braggart.
How to share who I am in this very moment right now and be okay with showing that to people, even if I'm not okay with it.
And maybe that's the crux of it - being okay with myself. Being okay with being utterly joyful about the blessings we have received, and being okay with the dark times. If I'm being quite honest, I feel quite uncomfortable with both states of being. There are some wonderful people like my husband who have no problems with this, they just accept whatever is here, and they consider it valid. I envy them as I'm over here, trying to talk myself out of whatever I'm feeling, because it's "too happy", or "too sad".
Why do I have to regard whatever I'm doing as too much? As my dad always says, "Everything in moderation, except moderation." Shouldn't that apply to feelings too? I don't know, now I'm just spouting nonsense.
...But if we're gonna talk about moderation, it wouldn't hurt to mention that is something that I just haven't practiced much of lately... to the tune of 12 pounds. Ouch.