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I'm not here to write a self-help book. I'm here to admit that I live with fear every day. That I'm a 'fraidy-cat worry-wart. I obsess about nearly every detail of my life. And I am 80% of the time convinced that these dreams I have are too big for me. That I need to "fix" things about myself before I'm worthy of the dreams I have.
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Please understand that this is not my rational brain. This is some deep-seeded internal programming. My mom and I talked about it on our trip to Steamboat, about how I have this drive to be perfect, and how I punish myself when I fail. How I insist on being self-reliant, because I see assistance as an admission of weakness and failure. And guys, it's slowly killing my ability to achieve my dreams. It isn't taking away from the dreams I have, it is just setting them further and further out of reach.
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I don't have an answer about setting aside the fear, the inadequacies. If I did, I'd be stinkin' rich. I struggle with this every day. A and I just had a fight about my inability to accept help, in fact. I do know that I need to keep moving forward, with those dreams at the front of my mind. That whether I think I deserve it or not, no matter how many mountains rise up along the path, I need to keep plugging away, one step at a time. At some point, once I see how far I have come, I hope that I can accept with grace the wonderful dreams that I have made come true.
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