Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dreams and Fears

Today's post is less about dreams, and more about the fears that get in the way of living a dream.  Fear is such a powerful, all encompassing thing.  There is a multi-million dollar industry that is devoted to teaching us how to overcome our fears.  How to live live to our greatest, boldest potential.

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I'm not here to write a self-help book.  I'm here to admit that I live with fear every day.  That I'm a 'fraidy-cat worry-wart.  I obsess about nearly every detail of my life.  And I am 80% of the time convinced that these dreams I have are too big for me.  That I need to "fix" things about myself before I'm worthy of the dreams I have.

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Please understand that this is not my rational brain.  This is some deep-seeded internal programming.  My mom and I talked about it on our trip to Steamboat, about how I have this drive to be perfect, and how I punish myself when I fail.  How I insist on being self-reliant, because I see assistance as an admission of weakness and failure.  And guys, it's slowly killing my ability to achieve my dreams.  It isn't taking away from the dreams I have, it is just setting them further and further out of reach.

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I don't have an answer about setting aside the fear, the inadequacies.  If I did, I'd be stinkin' rich.  I struggle with this every day.  A and I just had a fight about my inability to accept help, in fact.  I do know that I need to keep moving forward, with those dreams at the front of my mind.  That whether I think I deserve it or not, no matter how many mountains rise up along the path, I need to keep plugging away, one step at a time.  At some point, once I see how far I have come, I hope that I can accept with grace the wonderful dreams that I have made come true.

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