Something's missing

Something is missing in my life.  I didn't even realize it was missing until recently.  Do you ever hate how that happens?  You feel like there's something you want to be doing, something you SHOULD be doing, but you don't know what it is.  You can't put your finger on it.  I started feeling this way a couple of months ago, but brushed it off.  I mean, between a job, school, blogging, boyfriend, cat, working out, and meal prep, I figured it was general laziness that I was lacking.  Turns out, that is not what it is, my friends.

Once I realized something was missing I started to worry.  How in the world am I going to balance these needs?  I am struggling right now to keep my head above water with my current schedule.  I find myself vegging out more and more, because I am so overwhelmed.  Will this "something" actually be relaxing?  Or would it be something (like sewing or cooking), that, while fun for me, does not inspire zen vibes?

I am type A at just about everything.  But there is one area that I am absolutely, 100% psychotic about.  And wouldn't you know, it just so happens to be the "thing" that has been missing from my life.  Eff.

My mom is most likely simultaneously groaning and cheering right now (hi mom!).  Music, particularly flute and piccolo, were a massive part of my life growing up.  I was in band from 6th grade until I graduated high school.  I picked up the piccolo in 8th grade, and found true love in that cute little instrument. 

But I don't like for others to hear me.  So much so, that I would rarely practice at home, because I knew my mom was listening from the other room.  I hate for people to hear me play something that is less than perfect.  Which is also why I've only played a handful of times in the 9 years since I graduated from high school.

Yeah, I've talked about picking it up again.  But the urge has never been so great as to get over the overwhelming anxiety of people hearing me make mistakes.

And this is where I realize that I'm really thinking about something much deeper, much more important than if I ever play the flute again.  I'm really thinking about letting my best at that moment be enough.  My best might have breathy tone, poor rhythm, and sloppy fingering.  My best might not hit those same notes it used to.  My "best" might be a little shrill even.  But it must be better than not doing anything at all.