Friday, April 27, 2012

Something's missing

Something is missing in my life.  I didn't even realize it was missing until recently.  Do you ever hate how that happens?  You feel like there's something you want to be doing, something you SHOULD be doing, but you don't know what it is.  You can't put your finger on it.  I started feeling this way a couple of months ago, but brushed it off.  I mean, between a job, school, blogging, boyfriend, cat, working out, and meal prep, I figured it was general laziness that I was lacking.  Turns out, that is not what it is, my friends.

Once I realized something was missing I started to worry.  How in the world am I going to balance these needs?  I am struggling right now to keep my head above water with my current schedule.  I find myself vegging out more and more, because I am so overwhelmed.  Will this "something" actually be relaxing?  Or would it be something (like sewing or cooking), that, while fun for me, does not inspire zen vibes?

I am type A at just about everything.  But there is one area that I am absolutely, 100% psychotic about.  And wouldn't you know, it just so happens to be the "thing" that has been missing from my life.  Eff.

My mom is most likely simultaneously groaning and cheering right now (hi mom!).  Music, particularly flute and piccolo, were a massive part of my life growing up.  I was in band from 6th grade until I graduated high school.  I picked up the piccolo in 8th grade, and found true love in that cute little instrument. 

But I don't like for others to hear me.  So much so, that I would rarely practice at home, because I knew my mom was listening from the other room.  I hate for people to hear me play something that is less than perfect.  Which is also why I've only played a handful of times in the 9 years since I graduated from high school.

Yeah, I've talked about picking it up again.  But the urge has never been so great as to get over the overwhelming anxiety of people hearing me make mistakes.

And this is where I realize that I'm really thinking about something much deeper, much more important than if I ever play the flute again.  I'm really thinking about letting my best at that moment be enough.  My best might have breathy tone, poor rhythm, and sloppy fingering.  My best might not hit those same notes it used to.  My "best" might be a little shrill even.  But it must be better than not doing anything at all.


  1. Hey! This is wonderful! Great post! Have you thought about joining a community band? I play in a local college band that allows for community members, and that keeps my hand in it - so to speak. I graduated college with a music degree but I don't play much now except for the band rehearsals and the odd performance at church.
    Or... maybe there's a band that only does summer performances around? That's a good option too. I much prefer to play in a group then by myself. =)

  2. wow. absolutely love this. i played piano growing up, and then lost touch with it during high school and some difficult times. i would love to get back into it ... you are my inspiration!

  3. I have found that I miss cheerleading and gymnastics so much since I hurt myself. I knew I would miss it but it's coming back strong right now. Something that means so much to a person is hard to just push off. I don't think it should be pushed away either.

  4. Love this! I was in choir since elementary school & have been missing it since high school ended. But now, since we've joined & become more active in our church, I'm thinking of joining the choir there. They are amazing & I would be able to do something I love every week!

    Great post, lady! = )

  5. OMG! I totally get the feeling of not wanting to practice because you don't want people to hear you make mistakes. It was the biggest problem I had when I was in choir and taking piano. I miss singing though, so much. Sometimes I think about taking voice lessons, but it's not the same as being in a choir. I don't go to church though, and I'm so out of practice that I wouldn't even know where to start. I get it though. Let us know if you start practicing again :)

  6. Fabulous post. I totally understand the feeling of something missing and needing to make time to fill that void. For me it was being artistic. I missed creating colourful things. It's actually how I discovered art journaling. I'm completely type A as well so at first I was all, "this isn't good enough!!" But then it dawned on me, how good it is isn't the point. The point was that I was just doing it!


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