Thursday, April 25, 2013

Not the direction I meant to head

Guys, we are a ball of hot mess up in hurrr.

And then I go onto Pinterest, just to find something snarky and funny to fit right after that sentence.  And instead, I find this:

And just like that, all of my hopes of making this entire blog post come off funny/snarky/sarcastic sink, and the tone of this post rapidly starts to hang in the balance.

I have written and deleted so many words here.  Words that I'm afraid to say out loud.  Words that make things more real.  That make life harder, and bigger, and scarier.  We are in the time of our lives that is supposed to be the most thrilling, the most fun, the most life-path altering.  Those aren't the feelings that I'm having, though.   I'm not in that good place where everything is great, and happy, and my biggest concern is the hemline of my wedding dress. 

But the truth is, I feel insanely guilty and awful about not being blissfully happy.  About letting the hard stuff get to me in the way that it has.  I don't feel like it's appropriate to share pain, when everyone around me is trying to help me celebrate my joy.  It feels selfish to be sad at such a time.  So I pretend it's all good.  I fake it, because that's what "they" say.  You choose your attitude.  Well, maybe.  But feelings are not controlled by the conscious and rational brain.  And when the two disagree, well, it's bad shit.

So please understand that if I seem less than enthusiastic, less than thrilled, less than anything, it's because I just can't do it anymore.  I've been trying.  I wanted to write something funny today, and it isn't there.  I've thought about taking a break from this space... stepping back from the pressure.  But by the same token, this is where I process, where I figure stuff out.  So stepping away could be really hard, too. 

I just started a bunch of sentences with conjunctions.  All you teacher types are cringing right now.  Be glad I just deleted a dangling participle.  You're welcome.

I don't know how to gracefully end this.  I feel like anything I say here is going to be abrupt.  My thoughts are kind of abrupt right now I suppose.


  1. Oh girrrrl, I believe in you. Share your pain. Do all your family folk read the blog? Send me an email of all your pain if they do! You shouldn't carry all of this around, no matter how much this time is "supposed to be" the happiest time ever. Who says that? Who defines that? We'll talk about it and it'll get easier. :)

  2. Ohhhhh... {hug}. I don't even know what to say, other then maybe we should just kick the asses of all the people that tell you everything is supposed to be easy and figured out by the time you're 30. Because I'm 31 and shit still isn't figured out. F.

    And... planning a wedding basically requires the bride to be a hot mess. It's ok to own that. {if you want to.} It's also ok to be frustrated with your life.

    You know where to find me if you want to talk. Ever. Or, you know, text. =)

  3. I was the same way while planning my wedding. There were definitely some great times, and the excitement of everything does bring out lots of happiness, but there were also some plain old dark times too. No one is truly all sunshine and rainbows, even during the supposed "happiest times of your life."

    - Val @

  4. Do not let anyone tell you how you SHOULD feel! Take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and give it your best shot. You'll be fine :)

  5. I am right there with you. We all go through those times in our lives of confusion mixed with a ton of other emotions. Or if you are me, that happens practically everyday. Things will turn up!!

    Stopping by from the Revolt Blogger FB page.

  6. Hi Sweetie-

    If you need to chat you know that i am ALWAYS here for you! We can even Google chat it up so that I can see your pretty face, and then we can drink wine and make it sort of feel like we are actually hanging out :-) I miss you and love you <3

  7. Wedding planning was the worst thing ever, I ended up just being upset but pretending to be fine. And I'm not sure if that is what is causing the sad, but whatever it is. It's cool. Feel what you need to feel.

  8. Oh lady. Can I ever relate to this! Know that I'm here if you need anything! Sounds like we both need each other right now!! = )

  9. *hugs* Wedding planning sucks. It just does. People act like it should be this blissful, happy, wonderful time but it just sucks. And you're not the only one to feel that way.


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