Saturday, September 7, 2013

I have fears about marriage

I planned in advance a fun and light-hearted post about a time that I felt afraid for the #blogtember challenge prompt yesterday.  I was having a hard time acknowledging that there are things that make me very afraid.  Because really, with the level of anxiety I always exist with, I tend to just brush everything off as my particular brand of neurosis.  It's much easier than saying, "yes, that is a real and legitimate fear, and you are right in being concerned by that."  Which is what I know a lot of you will say in response to this actual, deep, dark fear of mine.

You see, I have a lot of fear surrounding marriage.  Not the actual aspect of being married -- that is all good. 



More that I have a lot of fears about irreconcilable differences.  Of separation.  Of the "d" word.  I never pegged myself as one of those people who would obsess so much and so strongly about the state of their marriage, but here we are, and here I am.  Looking to Ammon almost constantly for reassurance that we are going to "make it", despite the statistics, despite the number of people we know who are separating or divorcing.

I know that divorce is not the end of the world.  I know that divorce, in some instances, is the best thing that can happen to a family.  I understand that people grow and change, and sometimes that growth and change drives a wedge between them.  I get the reasons that people go there, and I guess that's what scares me the most... that I see the reason and sometimes need for that act.  On some totally not rational level do not want to see a rational reasoning behind a decision that seems so irrational to an outsider.  Without being the fly on the wall in someone's marriage, you only see what they choose to share, for good or ill.  That couple that seems perfect, that moves to a town because they love the church so much they must be members, they're splitting.  WHAT???  How is that so?  There must be a reason, but my head can not comprehend.  They had all of the tools at their disposal; books on marriage (usually geared towards Christians), retreats, a strong church community, and the opportunity for counseling with a pastor.  If they couldn't work it out, what kind of serious disadvantage do Ammon and I face, who claim no official religious affiliation, and have never found a church community that we feel safe and a part of?  Where are the books on marriage that are geared towards couples with no set religious beliefs, or even differing religious beliefs?

::Deep breath::

::Deep breath::

As I write this, I tell you that I have a lot of confidence in my marriage.  Ammon and I made those commitments to each other back in August 2010, and we haven't looked back (much) since that time.  We agreed that, come what may, we would be there for each other and stick it out for the long haul.  For 37 months, we've done a pretty bang-up job of it, really.  But we could be better.  We want to be better.  We need to be better.  Our marriage is on the line.

5 comments:

  1. I completely relate to this. My parents divorced when I was 19 and I just never thought it was possible. They were best friends, we had a "perfect" family...and there was no rational reason other than they grew apart. I still don't get it, but it makes me work that much harder at my own marriage now. I know we will always be a work in progress and I see what they lost through their divorce. So while it scares me, it motivates me to not make the same mistakes they did.

    xxx
    Jaclyn
    http://www.loveandbellinis.com

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  2. Marriage is H A R D! And divorce is so easy these days. I think the statistics are so high because it IS so easy to split ways, you know? There are definitely times where divorce is a necessity... but I think for the most part people just don't want to work to make something work. It would be SO easy for Eric and I to grow apart and just focus all of our love and attention on Mia. SO EASY! But we are choosing to take actions that will help us continue to grow TOGETHER! It is hard work, harder than I ever thought it would be. I honestly didn't think a baby would change the dynamics when it came to our love. It's not to say I love him any less, because I don't! But..... you get what I'm saying, right? As long as you both have the same goal and work toward it every. single. day. You won't grow apart! Even through the ups and downs... you'll totally make it!
    One piece of advice... never throw out the "d" word as a threat when you're fighting. It's not something to throw around... especially in a heated moment when you don't mean it. The more it's thrown around, the more appealing the idea becomes.

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  3. I really struggled at first about agreeing to get married because I was so worried that we'd fail at being married. And I couldn't even handle the idea of divorce. Imagining having to call my family and tell them - hey sorry, we IC and I couldn't make it, we're getting a divorce - was panic attack inducing. But now that I've been married for two years, and it hasn't been an easy two years, I'm pretty sure we could handle anything. If we do it together.

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  4. Wow, this is so honest, thank you so much for sharing! I was terrified to get married because of just that - that we weren't right for each other or that he would discover he didn't really love me, and it would end badly. I hope and pray for you to find a church family that is involved in your lives to help you guys, because I know for sure that that is a huge reason why we got married and have stayed married. Our friends are real with us, help us resolve differences, give us great advice and challenges, and remind us to enjoy our marriage as well. I totally agree with the advice above to never say the "d" word, and I also think it's good to fight it out sometimes, but to let go when it becomes all about being right or feeling slighted. Fight for what's worth fighting for, let anything else go. And anything that's worth having is worth fighting for : )

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  5. This is absolutely one of my fears. There are so many divorces in my family. Sigh. But I think being conscious that marriage is work and that it won't be all puppies and rainbows 24/7 helps to keep us grounded. big hugs!

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