Thursday, February 7, 2013

Things my exes taught me

As I prepare myself to enter the "marriage without babies -- yet" chapter of my life, I find myself reflecting back an awful lot on the "wow, that is a long string of men you have dated" chapter of my life.  I didn't find Ammon until right after my 24th birthday... so, suffice it to say, there was an awful lot of dating that took place in the 9 years prior.  I have had some really unique boyfriends over the years, to say the least.  I thought I would share a couple of things I have learned from them over those 9 years.

I think that chronological order is the smartest way to go about this, so let's start with boyfriend #1.  The first.

The saxophone player:  We had know each other since we were 11.  We dated for 2-ish months when we were 15.  He was my first kiss, and taught me that no matter what, always offer the boy the gum.  And find a way to make him take it.  It's important.

My other high school boyfriend was a co-worker.  We worked at the pool together.  We dated for 3 months until he tried to undress me in his car in my parent's driveway.  Awkward.

The Ice Dancer:  He taught me that hockey is an AWESOME sport, and that Ice Dancers are not all batting for the other team.  Some are just coerced into the sport by Ice moms and crazy sisters.

In college, I dated lots of boys.  Too many probably.  The one that really takes the cake is the guy I dated the last few months of my senior year of college.

The Van Wilder:  I met the VW through a friend when we were shopping at Wal-Mart for work, he was buying Count Chocula cereal.  He taught me that it's okay to not have a plan for graduation, so long as your parents think you graduated from college 3 years ago.  I also learned that pizza delivery guys should always shower right after work, and that some people make the choice to live out of their cars.  I also learned that casually dating the same guy for 5 months is really hard -- eventually one person develops feelings (hint:  it wasn't me).

Source: via Brenda on Pinterest

After college, I thought I found the one, and only 7 months after graduating.  The best part?  His mom and my mom were best friends, AND we'd known each other since I was 14.

The mama drama:  If a 30 year old man is telling his mom about your relationship, it's probably not going to work.  Also, this will ruin your moms' friendship.  But, I did learn how to throw back Jager like a champ during this relationship (silver lining?  Probably not).  Way to go.  Side note, most 30 year olds who are interested in a 22 year old may have a maturity issue.  Not that I learned this lesson yet, because right after Mama drama came...

Cabin in the woods guy:  The first time I went up to this guy's house, I was positive he was going to murder me.  He lived in an isolated spot in the Mountains.  It was super-gorgeous, but also a little creepy.  He taught me that southern boys are excellent cooks, there are more than 2 political parties in this country, that bluegrass and jam-bands are incredible, and started my passion for hippie dresses.  Fun times, cabin in the woods dude.  Fun times.  Too bad you were 31 and so not ready to be settling down with anyone, much less a 23 year old.

The cyclist:  Up to that point, the cyclist was my longest term relationship, at a whopping 6 months.  He was an elite level cyclist, finishing up his degree at CU.  As a cyclist myself, I thought it was great, at first.  We could ride together!  Hmmmm, nope, elite level anythings don't have the time, energy, or desire to do a "fun" ride with their girlfriends, who can't even keep up with an "easy" pace.  However, I learned about the magic of the ManBerry margarita.  I also learned that when he asks you to go pick up his butt paste from the cycling shop, you a) will probably get the wrong kind b) feel more awkward than a 14 year old in the "family planning" aisle.

Only one guy stood between the cyclist and "the one" (well, 2, but that's getting way too technical).  He was during my phase where I decided to sow any wild oats I had.  Get all of the cray-cray out.  And my oh my, did I ever.

The Beer Ponger:  This guy never left college behind.  He had a good job, but was $45,000 in debt, with a $650 a month lease on a sweet car.  His rental house was like any good college party house... lots of roommates, alcohol galore, kegerator, and parties 3-4 nights a week.  We went out on the nights we weren't partying.  He taught me that karaoke is a great excuse to party, that "Arrested Development" and "The Office" are two of the greatest sitcoms of all time, and to always lock your bedroom door if you're throwing a rager... you never know when someone is going to pee in your closet.

I hope you enjoyed my own personal walk of shame down memory lane.  I hope you found it entertaining and informative.  If you will excuse me, I'm going to go count my lucky stars that I have a wonderful man who puts all those other guys to shame.


  1. This was great! It's crazy how much more immature guys are than girls. Glad you found the one :)

  2. Haahaha oh man! Quite the wrap-up. The mama drama one sounds inteeeeeeense.

    It's a lot of work weeding through all the crappy dudes to get to the right one! But HURRAY! for getting there. (And double hurray for no more dating! Haha)

  3. this is hilarious! I love all your nicknames for your exes. I think the Ice Dancer is my favorite lol

  4. This frightens me in a way I can't even explain. You see... my husband is a saxophone player, who also played hockey for like 25 years, and is 21 years my senior. So... mash up all your exes and you get my spouse? Great? This sort of makes me want to cry. =( In other news... it also made me laugh - especially the vodka on the rocks with a piece of toast. Maybe I need to add AA to my weekly meetings? Wanna come?

  5. Oh my gosh, the nicknames are my fav part. I have some CRAZY exes lol. And actually a few good ones too. Sounds to me like you're ending up with the perfect guy for you.

  6. Loved this post! I don't have nearly as many crazy stories, but man I wish I did!

    Also How good is Arrested Development? I love it.


    There are also some scary similarities. For instance, I dated a saxophone (I accidentally typed "sexophone" at first. You're welcome.) in high school. I also dated a cyclist in college. Except he was combination cyclist and cabin in the woods. He's the reason I'm half hipster/hippie today.

  8. This post is awesome. I may have to steal it. My best friend ended up marrying her moms best friends son. They knew each other since they were born. They didn't get together until college.

  9. LOL you definitely dated some characters, didn't you?!?!?


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