Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The thing I was too embarrassed to say

I confess it:  last month when I did my "What's in your Senior Yearbook" vlog, I made a crucial omission.  One of the entries in my yearbook discussed my enjoyment of writing.  I read it out loud as "Keep writing".  There were 2 important letters after that.  I was embarrassed to share with you what it was that I was encouraged to continue writing.

::Deep breath::  Oh God, I hope I don't hyperventilate.  

Alright... I think I might be ready.

That line said "Keep writing FF".  As in Fan Fiction.  It's a part of my writing life that I am so ashamed of that I sweep it under the mat and try to forget as often as humanly possible.  In fact, I had forgotten about it until Alissa's little yearbook challenge.  Writing has always been important, always been a way for me to share my thoughts, feelings, challenges, triumphs, my heart that even I do not always know.  It has always been my outlet.  And my outlet used to revolve heavily around these dudes.

Source: lastfm.com.br via Diana on Pinterest

And sometimes these guys

I wrote short stories, novellas, and even 100+ page stories about my favorite boyband members.  And then... AND THEN I had the guts to publish them on the internet.  I was so into it, in fact, that I learned HTML and CSS coding.  Do I remember a lick of it now?  No way.  But back then I would never have needed to hire a blog designer... I was rocking the advanced template of Angelfire.  Remember Angelfire?  I sure do.

These were absolutely issues I faced back in those days.  My entire goal was to write a story that anyone would read... I did character development, plot outlines, the whole 9 yards.  I was so into it.  But can you ever admit to these things out loud?  Hell no.  You get shamed and shoved into lockers for far, far less.  So for my "friend" to write it in my yearbook?  Well, it was mortifying.  And looking back?  Well, it's just a terrible reminder of a time that I would just as soon pretend had never once happened.

This confession was brought about by a conversation Ammon and I had at lunch today about my daily writings here.  We brought up the fact that my whole life, I have written in some capacity or another, and that I have even published my writings to the internet a time or two (okay, many times).  Ammon had to full-on double dog dare me to tell you this story.  But truth be told, I love that the internet is an open, accepting, tolerant space for learning who you are as a person, and finding your voice.

So there you have it.  My most ridiculous internet confession.  The confession that I was too ashamed to make.  I must really trust y'all an awful lot.


  1. Hey, we all have our high school stories we wish had never happened :) Maybe writing the fan fiction and publishing it helped you start your blog- and that's definitely a positive thing!

    I must admit, I once had a fansite dedicated to Days of Our Lives. Yep, I was kind of a dork too. I even made buttons so people could "adopt" the characters. Weirdo, party of one right here :)

  2. I cannot even tell you how much I love this! hey, you were just totally immersed in the 90s, I can't blame you! I have never actually heard of boy band fan fiction, so you have truly expanded my world today hahahaha.

  3. Oh lord lady, if I could tell you some of the things I did in high school that I wish I hadn't. I'm sure everyone has. Kudos to you for having the guts to tell us!

  4. geez... for something to be ashamed of I thought it was going to be something more along the lines of.. "I spent my entire freshman year with my head in a toilet in the boys' room" or something equally terrible. But fan fiction, why be ashamed? Go for it! I read all of that stuff. It cracks me up! =) And I think it's something to be proud of!

  5. Oh my goodness, this is amazing. I'm glad you confessed to this!

    My next vlog has something and everything to do with writing about boy bands. I think you should do a similar vlog and read some of your FF. Please? A little?

  6. Haha this is awesome! I didn't even know what fan fiction was, but I definitely have my own cringe-worthy memories from things I did and was into in my younger years. For example, carrying around a collage I made of Tom and Mark from Blink 182 in my wallet for yearsss, and actually showing it to people? My obsession didn't stop there but I won't go into it ;)

    In Portland there is this show called Mortified that I've always wanted to go to where local writers and comedians sit on stage and read aloud from their high school diaries - it's supposed to be hilarious!

  7. I never was that into fan fiction, but one of my friends used to read fan fiction about harry potter. I say writing is writing, friend :)

  8. SHUT UP. I love this. The fact that you wrote about NSYNC and BSB makes you an idol to me. I would've been right there with you if I would've even known about fan fiction back then! Let's just say I had some good stories involving those hottie mctotsies in my head ;)

  9. It's seriously okay. I wanted my mom to marry TOm Selleck and we live together as a family in the big house like on the show Dallas. Now I think about living with my mother again for Two minutes and I kringe.i love her but those days are over.

  10. ...and I don't see anything wrong with this. I actually think this is awesome :)

    Xo Lourdes


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