They say it's your birthday

I have always been a big fan of the Beatles' birthday song.  Especially the duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh part.  But that song is complicated, so instead, I sang my 3rd most favorite guy the regular old birthday song yesterday.

It's hard to believe our Gunner-gram is 4 years old already.  He certainly doesn't act it quite yet.  In fact, when he goes to camp, he spends most of his time with the puppies running and playing and being silly.  Nobody will ever accuse me of not spoiling my puppy, and his birthday is surely no exception.  So I hightailed it to the nearest Natural Foods Pet Store for some super adorable dog cookies.  I hit the ultimate jackpot: A giant dog-bone shaped cookie that took him 2 entire minutes to eat.  Perfect.

 

 

I mean, how do you find something cuter than this cookie?  Oh yeah... the cutest dog ever eating the awesomest cookie ever.

Does anyone else celebrate the birthdays of their dogs?  What do you do to commemorate the occasion?

Whatever it is...

Whew.  Did you all make it through that post from yesterday?  I almost didn't make it through writing that post.  It hurt to write it.  It hurts to read it.  But it hurts in the way that says, "I should be more empowered than to have these thoughts, and to let these thoughts rule me."  Luckily, right after I wrote this on Saturday, Ammon showed up at home with these beauties, and life got a whole lot better.

Oh, girls... If I could only express to you how needed these flowers were right at that moment.  They were the spark of sunshine that reminded me that I don't always need to believe in myself, I just need to lean on the belief that others have in me.  It's probably the one concept I learned in Mary Kay that has made a lasting impression on me:  you can do incredible things when you can set aside your doubts and lean on the beliefs that others have in you.

I don't know what your particular battle is today, but I'm sure that you have one, big or small.  Every day we fight our battles, and the outcomes of those battles shape us.  For me, my battle today is probably going to be getting in a workout -- I totally skipped it last night in favor of wine and fighting a WAR with my homework.  Yes, homework and wine go together in my world.  It's the only reason my computer is still working well enough for me to write this blog post right now.  Jesus turning water into wine isn't the only wine-based miracle to ever grace history.

I want you to know, that no matter what battle you may be fighting today.  No matter how hard you are going to have to fight, no matter what the odds are, and no matter the outcome, I believe in you.  YOU are capable of winning, so long as you never, ever, ever give up the fight.  And I know you won't give up, because you know that you deserve to win.  You deserve to feel victorious today, even if it's only for a minute.  You are a rockstar, and I am constantly impressed by the things that you do.  Your spirit, perseverance, drive, and your heart are truly one of a kind. 

So wherever you are, whatever your day may bring, please carry this with you.  And remember that someone out there is pulling for you, always and always.

The hormones are certainly talking

Maybe it's the fact that I'm in full on period mode right now.  Maybe it's the fact that I work with all women.  Maybe it's a little bit of both.  But lately, I have spent an awful lot of time thinking about body image, body dysmorphia, and unrealistic expectations of what my body can, will, and should be.  Not that I think that I am unique in this.  I'm sure these thing are never very far from the mind of most women.  I know conversations about the way we look, the size we wear, the abilities of our bodies are never far from our lips.  Like sick, twisted, hormonal self-hating mean girls, we talk about all of the ways that our bodies regularly let us down.

I don't understand why I can't be satisfied with the fact that I wear a size 6.  Why in the world do I have to put myself down for the fact that I have to wear a size medium in activewear?  I don't understand that I can't be satisfied with completing a half marathon.  Why do I have to insist that I do it better, faster, stronger?  I don't understand why I can't be satisfied that my stomach is mostly flat.  Why do I wish that I could count every single abdominal muscle, and beat myself up when it's utterly impossible?  I don't understand why knowing that my husband thinks I'm the hottest thing on the planet.  Why is it so important to me that I live up to beauty standards set by the media and agreed upon by society?

My body is evolved to do miraculous, incredible, beautiful things.  I can create life, and sustain it until someday, someday far in the future, that life can sustain itself.  My body can carry me to nearly any land bound place on this Earth that I want to go.  My body can withstand the pressure of going to many non-land bound places on this Earth I may choose to explore.  I have so many abilities, so many ways that this body does not fail me.  Yet, I choose to look at the failures.  To look at the things I'm not able to do.  The ways that I just don't measure up.

I wish that this post, this narrative could be my solemn declaration to stop this inner madness.  To choose something entirely different for myself.  To become the eternal optimist, and to only see the abilities.  I wish that I knew of a way to flip that particular switch.  Can you imagine a greater gift that you could give to another woman than the gift of unconditional self-acceptance?

I have had several men tell me that it is a good thing to never be fully satisfied.  That the dissatisfaction is what drives us to grow, and to be better, and to move forward.  And yet I have never heard a woman come out and make this same claim.  As a woman, I know that my dissatisfaction with who I am is both good and bad.  I know that it does keep me striving to reach new heights.  But I also know that it is the one thing that will hurt and hinder my ultimate success.  If I can never see the good that I accomplish, or see that my contributions are enough, I may not even realize that there are things that are worth striving for, or that I can achieve.  Shoot, if I'm being honest, I keep myself from doing things that I know are possible.  I used to climb mountains.  It was one of my favorite things that I did.  And then I met Ammon.  Another rock climber.  And suddenly, the things I can do didn't matter any longer, because it was nothing compared to what he is capable of.  And my embarrassment at my seeming lack of ability crippled me to the point where I can't climb anymore.  I simply no longer feel capable of doing something that brought me so much happiness.

So, no.  I don't agree with all of the men out there who think that the best drive is accomplished through dissatisfaction.  I think that it works for men, because they channel all of that energy for good, and not for self-degredation.  Such a fundamental difference between men and women: the way they talk to themselves.  And it's probably [certainly] the hormones talking, but in this I am incredibly jealous of men.

The struggle is worth it

Yesterday on my run, there was a lot going on.  I had a lot of feelings, a lot of thoughts, a lot of physiological battles.  Still, it was a great run.  A run that gave me so much hope that this year... this year will be the year I see some sort of success with running.

Yesterday, I started off strong.  Really, really strong.  I was maintaining a 4 min running, 2 min walking interval.  And even with that ratio, I still managed to do my first 2 miles in 10:25, a full minute and a half faster than my training pace in previous half marathon training cycles.  I felt so on top of the world.  Nothing, and I mean nothing could stop me.

Until around about the 2.5 mile mark.  And all of a sudden, shit was hurting.  Bad.  My lungs were on fire.  My liver had that searing pain.  And I got passed by 3 runners chatting merrily away while pushing a baby stroller.  Those baby stroller runners are the fastest way to demoralize a girl.  I mean, I am struggling over here to run faster than an 11 minute mile, and someone with a jogging stroller blasts by me like I'm walking sedately down the sidewalk with not a care in the world.

Mile 3... 10:50.  I don't know how I managed it at that point.  I mean, that was one flipping hard mile for me.  Making it in that time felt like a miracle.  And at this point, I just wanted to be done.  I had a mile and a half left to go, and the thought of those extra almost 20 minutes was maddening. 

At 3.3, I had to walk before my scheduled walk interval.  And that was even more demoralizing than being passed.  I only had to walk for about a minute before I picked it up again, but I made it happen.  Painfully.  Achingly.  I wanted nothing more than to just walk the rest of the way in, but that felt a lot like cheating.

It was about this time that I started with the grudging pep talks.  I thought about all of the running and fitness bloggers who are faster than me, and I reminded myself that they started out slow too.  Nobody decides to start running one day and immediately knocks out consistent 7:30 miles.  That's just not how it works.  You have to put in the time and effort to get there.  I reminded myself that all runners get passed, even the ones that can pass ordinary mortals with a jogging stroller.  Whether it's tomorrow, a week from now, or next month, someone else will pass them when they're out on a training run too.  There is always someone faster, stronger, better.  That isn't a reason to get down on yourself, it's just the way that life shakes out.

And then I started thinking about half marathons.  And how deep down, I don't feel like I've "done" one yet, because that whole situation has not panned out twice now for me.  I started thinking about how angry I am that my body hasn't yet been able to carry me through 13.1 miles in under 3 hours.  It's not like I'm asking it to do a full marathon in that time... I just want to be able to not feel like a haggard old woman at the end of ONE half marathon.  It was a really sad, negative, bad thought process  And it was right about then that I snapped this gem of a selfie on a quick walking break... because really, who in the world would believe me that I'd been out running if I didn't document appropriately?

There were totally people around, and they were totally judging me.  I didn't care.  It was brutal.  I wanted a picture that would serve as a reminder to me that hard things don't defeat us... they shape us, guide us, and generally make us better people in the end.  Also, I don't look nearly as red as I felt.  I was certain that I matched my shirt by this point, and it was a huge victory for me when I realized that I didn't.  It's the little things, I tell you.

Mile 4... 11:36.  A LOT slower than before.  But I was surprisingly happy with it, mostly because I was fairly sure it would be slower, somewhere around the 12-13 minute mark.  According to all of the cool calculators, my long runs should be somewhere in pace between an 11:41 - 12:20 mile... so to still be beating that time felt pretty dang good to me.  Also, once I hit mile 4, I just wanted nothing more than to be done, and I reminded myself that the slower I went, the longer it would take.  Nothing gets you to the finish like that thought right there.

And that's the story of my fastest 4.5 miles to date.  As I walked to my car, I realized that I would take all of the struggle, all of the suffering any day, if I got to see positive results.  And that was the moral of yesterday's run for me... that the struggle is worth it.

This week I'm starting my Half marathon training in earnest.  These last few weeks were building weeks, so that when I started I didn't immediately keel over.  The plan I'm using can be found here, and is 13 weeks, but I'm starting a week early and adding a week just before taper... I'm planning on a 12 miler that week, just to ensure that my body is fully prepared.  Since I have a training plan, I'm not going to bother making a cheesy graphic... sorry.  But I'm pretty stoked about the fact that I'm seriously cutting miles this week from what I did last week.  It is nice to have a reminder that I'm not quite as out of shape as I may have thought.

What do you have going on this week?  How are your fitness and health goals coming along?

You never know where you'll find your next blessing in disguise

I lately inherited the curse of the Tuesdays.  Thursdays used to be my cursed day, my day when no good could come from life.  And then Michelle kept sharing about all of the ways that Tuesdays just don't work.  Ever.  And I realized that she and I have the same life pretty much all of the time, right down to crappiest days of the week.

It's the day when I run out of time to get a blog post together.

It's the day that I just want to stay in bed and snuggle my cat and my husband.

It's the day that the hot water runs out just before I rinse off my body wash in the shower.

It's the day that all of my customer service nightmares come to shocking life.

It's the day that I have to try to make nice with everybody and their brother.

It's the day that I get caught in construction during rush hour, and then a light goes out on top of everything.

It's the day that when I get on the treadmill, running for 3 minutes (only 3!!!!!!!!) feels unbearable.

It's the day that the dog is always extra naughty, and not even a little bit cuddly.

Via

 Vampire Diaries.  So broody.  So overly dramatic.  It's Tuesday all the time in Mystic Falls.  Fact.

 

It's all of these things.  And more.  But you know what?

I don't have to blog every day.  Nobody sponsors this blog, nobody pays me to show up here. Nobody tracks the time I choose to log here.  I get to create this space as exactly what I want it to be.

It's the day that I get out of bed anyway, because I can better show my love to my family by contributing to that family.  Being poor but cuddly is vastly overrated by the romantics.  My animals and my human are expensive to maintain.

It's the day the hot water runs out, but so is Monday, Wednesday, Thursday... any day I try to shower at 7:00am, really.  I mean, we have a shared hot water heater for the whole building.  Of course the hot water runs out almost every day.  I could choose to get up earlier and have more hot water, I would just rather be colder in the shower but more kitty-hubby-snuggly in the morning, I guess.  Still beats being  poor and snuggly.

It's the day that customer service nightmares come true, but those are ALMOST a thing of my past.  And considering I have a trainee that I can pass so many of them off on, I should stop obsessing, and just let them roll.  I am soooooooo close to being the introverted accounting clerk of my dreams.  A couple of nightmares will only make the final payoff much sweeter later on.

It's the day I have to make nice, but deep down, this is so good for me on so many levels.  People deserve nice and friendly.  I truly believe that.  It's just so hard to give that when what you're getting is their worst bits all mashed together.  But that's the true test:  being nice and fair to those who don't deserve it.

It's the day that traffic makes me crazy, but I can take that opportunity to make phone calls, to jam out, or to just unwind from the stress of dealing with people.  No, the car is not the ideal chill-out zone, but there's nobody else there, so I might as well do a little healthy venting, right?

It's the day that 3 minutes of running seems insurmountable, but when I finish my 3 mile workout, and I haven't missed a single interval, I feel like all things in life are possible.

It's the day that the dog is extra naughty, but it's also the day that he's so excited I'm home that he runs in circles for 3 minutes, because he just can't stand to be so happy.  And I nearly cry from laughing so hard at the frenzy he gets wrapped up in.

And it's the day that I can choose to make a lesson, a day that forces me to be a better version of myself.  I don't believe that you choose joy:  I believe that for everything there is a season.  However, I believe that all things are necessary, and can cause growth.  And for all that Tuesdays are cursed, they may just be a blessing in disguise.

Do you have a "cursed" day?  One that just never seems to turn out right, no matter what?

Nailed it

Do you ever get the urge to just text every single person in your phone the phrase "Nailed it" with no explanation?

Well, I guess even the dog thinks that might be a ridiculous and bad idea.  But seriously... sometimes you just have those weeks that when you look back on them, all you can think is that man... you nailed that.  And last week was totally that week for me.  A few things I nailed this week.

-- Not having any diet coke until the weekend.  It hasn't been a set goal, so to speak, but I realized that I was getting a little too attached to my beloved sorority girl crack again, and needed to stop the madness.

-- Knowing EXACTLY what the problem with our shower was when the water wouldn't shut off on Wednesday night.  3 years of troubleshooting maintenance problems in order to save our techs time has paid off in real ways for me.  Also, if you ever need your water heater pilot light re-lit, your garbage disposal cleared, or your toilet snaked, I'm your girl.

-- Being told by my soon-to-be former boss that she still wants me to write resident correspondence when I go to the Accounting department, because I do such a good job with it.  I'm still not entirely sure how serious she was.

-- Feeling like I won't be completely out of my league when I have my first day by myself as the A/R clerk for my office.  Our current A/R Clerk could do the job with one hand, blindfolded, while hanging by her ankles.  It's intimidating to have such big shoes to fill, but I'm starting to pick up the major stuff.

-- Getting in all of my planned workouts for the week, PLUS ONE EXTRA workout.  That felt so much better than I could have expected.  My extra workout was a walk with the dog... and he totally whopped my booty.  We did 4.6 miles in 58 minutes, which equated to me walking at my average long run jogging pace.  It was pretty brutal.

-- Actually taking my lunch and eating it instead of eating out every day last week.  I love treating myself to lunch out during hard weeks, and I was so proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation, and instead eating what I had prepared.  Saved some money, and most likely ate more healthfully too!

-- Enjoying the heat wave.  We've had a veritable heat wave in these parts for the past few days, with weather in the 50's!  Ammon and I were talking about how nice it is to wear just t-shirts, and how we would NEVER EVER wear t-shirts in July if it was only 50 degrees.  It feels like we have this same conversation every winter... especially when I run out to the car in the mornings to warm-up my car without a coat on, because "it isn't that cold".  Which makes no sense, because if you have to warm up your car in the morning, it's pretty damn cold.

Some things I'm gonna nail this week:

-- Having today off of work.  Thank you sweet government job.

--Getting to bed before 11pm.  I've been really awful about this lately, and it shows in how hard it is to wake up in the morning.  My real goal is to be in bed by 9:30, but baby steps.

-- The first week of classes for this semester.  Right now I only have 2 classes, plus my internship.  I had debated picking up just one more class, but as fate would have it, the online sessions are all full.  So instead, I'm going to enjoy a slightly lighter load this semester.

-- Incorporating this mantra into my life. 

-- Surviving these workouts this week, without any skips.  Like I said last week, days to me matter less than getting the work done, so as long as they're all in there, I will count it as a win:

What did you nail last week?  What are you going to nail this week?

And I thought cross training would be the shocker

Just about 10 minutes ago (from when I opened this page, not from when you started reading this), I had to call one of my coworkers to come perform emergency maintenance on my apartment.  It's 9:15pm at night.  Insert all of the curse words.

This really on the surface is no big deal.  Maintenance emergencies happen.  In fact, I actively avoid having to have the maintenance come out, because they're my coworkers, and that's just weird.  However, when your whole building shares one hot water heater, and your shower hot water faucet is stuck in the "on" position because the stem blew, all you can do is call your coworker and grovel, and ask politely for them to come fix it so that your neighbors can take a hot shower in the morning.

Which is really too bad, because I was really proud of the fact that I actually did Cross Training tonight.  I hung through a 30 minute HIIT and ab challenge workout that I found on the YouTubes.  I really enjoy the fact that there are a limitless number of free workout options on the interwebs.  Who need a personal trainer or expensive programs when you can find free workouts to do at home?

Don't worry, I cancelled out all of the good I did by working out with a big glass of Parducci Pinot Noir and the cupcake that Ammon brought home for me to have for dessert.  He's a sweet one, that husband of mine.  Very sweet indeed.

And then I made Ammon watch the YouTubes with me for the last half hour.  He looked traumatized by Miranda Sings.

And because Thursdays are notorious around these here parts, my new favorite video.  Our maintenance lead shared this one last week, and it has been an everyday enjoyment since that time.

If that doesn't make you smile, you might need to seek professional counseling.  And while I haven't watched it yet, this one looks equally awe inspiring, so let's throw it in for some good measure, yes?

Well, that was a little bit creepy.  Oh well.  It took me back to being a small child who believed there were plants growing in my brain.  Fun Fact, my co-workers occasionally refer to my wardrobe as Mr. Rogers chic.

 

One more.  This one also care of the maintenance lead at work, and especially appropriate for us bloggers out there.  You'll understand.

 

 

And that is all that I have tonight.  It's bedtime.  I hope your Thursday is not notorious, but rather, more towards the end of pleasant on the spectrum.  Maybe if we all imagine in the garden of our minds that Thursdays are just happy accidents, that whole notion of a joyful Thursday will come true.