Unicorn poops

Yesterday was a no-good, very bad day.

I have it on good authority that I'm not the only one who thought so, either.  But this is my blog, so we're going to talk about my day.  I'm self-centered that way.

The no-good very bad all really started on Sunday.  Ammon and I went to try out a church.  It was our very first time doing anything religious together as a couple, and that was incredibly surreal.  I find worship to be more vulnerable, more intimate, than standing stark naked in front of a person, saying "Here I am, take me as I am!"  This is a big reason why it's hard for me, I have to find the right community, the right place, the right time, to get there.  But that's a side-track, that has absolutely nothing to do with badness.  What does have to do with badness is that we came out of church to a very flat tire.

What makes it worse than that, is that the car rolled off the jack when he took the tire off.  At the time, we thought it only meant that the bumper came out of place.  No big deal.

So Monday morning, I dragged Ammon's grumpy little behind out of bed, and sent him off to the tire shop.  I knew I was paying for it, and I was hoping they could patch the old tire.

Yeah, right.  I am so optimistic sometimes.

Ammon wasn't at the shop for more than 10 minutes when they told him that wasn't going to be possible, and that he needed new tires.  Do you know how much decent all-season tires for an all-wheel drive vehicle cost?  Holy cow, guys.  I agreed to the $500 tires, knowing we would be glad for them in the long run.

And then I got a message to call him.  Urgently.  Shit.

Turns out, when your car rolls off a jack, it can cause undercarriage damage.  Who woulda thunk it?  So we were looking at another $170 for critical repairs that could total our car if we didn't deal with ASAP.

So $752.91 later, I decided that Ammon's new tires must be made of unicorn turds, not just the standard rubber.  When I told Ammon that, he might have snorted in derision.  Turns out, he didn't love Monday either.

On the bright side, I have 4 days off coming up, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.  So obviously, we're getting clear of the junk, so that our days off are perfection.  It's happening.  My sparkle will not be dulled.

2 more sleeps before Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Come back tomorrow for an AWESOME vlog about what's in my thankful heart.  I promise to throw something, since I know that's what y'all watch my vlogs for, and I dropped the ball with the last one.  I won't let that happen again.  Don't worry.

Target makes me happy

Yesterday, more than one of us admitted to channeling The Unhappy Woman monster at our loved ones.  I love that all of you were honest enough to share my pain, and laugh with me about our shared neurosis. Thank you.

Today, I want to share some hope with you.  We can deal with this, ladies.  I'm calling it "The Christmas Cheer pain reliever".

Step one:  Grab that man that makes you crazy, and drag his filthy self to the motherland, aka Target.  Make a beeline for the Christmas section.

Step two:  Make him go through every single aisle with you as you ooh and ahh over every single little thing you see.  Maybe even take some pictures of the things that make you happy.

This was our favorite aisle.  We spent 5 minutes considering candy cane flavors.

Pretty, classy ornaments.

Stunning Christmas cards.  I was bummed that they were $15/box.  So instead, we bought a box of 32 cards for $4.  Boom.

Step three:  Walk out happy as a clam that you got target time, and you got to do so with your suffering lover.

Step four:  Walk into your still messy house, and pour yourself a yummy beverage, preferably wine (if you care to partake).  While this glass is red, I recommend white wine.  It doesn't stain as much.

Check out that laundry basket full of clothes.  Classy.

Step five:  Now this part is the big key.  Start figuring out how to hire a housekeeper to come clean the house a couple of times a month.  I'm figuring that to clean our 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment shouldn't take more than 45 minutes for a professional... so maybe $35 per cleaning???  I'm starting to be able to justify that expense at the sake of my continued sanity.

It isn't a permanent cure.  And I'm going to have to repeat many times, but that's what box wine is for.  Ammon's promised me that when I get pregnant, I also get to hire a housekeeper to come in a few times a month (we all know I'm going to need it, since I'm going to be drinking grape juice instead).  I think that's really the cure.  Can we all admit that the best present we could ever get is to have a person hire us a house cleaner?

Hint, hint, boys.

My anger is radioactive

I am the queen of epic meltdowns over household chores.  Seriously, each and every one of you should be eternally grateful that you do not live with me.  It's like Chernobyl all over again each an every time.  It's a good thing that Ammon is immune to my radioactive nature.  I believe it is in large part due to the copious amounts of Chipotle he consumes, topped by Smoky Chipotle Tobasco sauce.  Noticing a trend with that boy?  Yes, me too.

In all seriousness, coming home to a dirty house immediately increases my stress level.  I know that both of us have had a very busy fall semester, and I work hard to deal with my OCD so that it doesn't ruin our relationship.  But there are the days when I come home to dirty dishes sitting everywhere, candy wrappers strewn everywhere, and a manfriend camped in front of the TV, who has clearly been contributing to the chaos, not corralling in.  And just as the Incredible hulk turns green and is overtaken by rage, I turn into the dreaded and feared Unhappy Woman.  Screaming, stomping, clearing things away in the meanest possible way... oh yes, I am very good at being the angry woman who does not have the time to keep her house neat as a pin, and feels so guilty about it.  Guilt, after all, is the primary fuel for the Unhappy Woman monster.

So as I write these words, I can tell you that my home is substantially cleaner, but at the cost of a lot of stress, anguish, and being the evil future-wife.  So today, this is my confession:  I am not always a decent person to be around.  I seriously need to work on my patience and being slow to anger before we start makin' babies!

Linking up with my friend Alyx for Sunday Confessions.  Will you link up too and share your down and dirty confessions?

When your co-workers raid your blog pictures

After an awfully raw post yesterday, let's get back to something a little more fun, yes?  So, yesterday marked my 2 year anniversary at work.  We have a tradition that we all sign posters for co-workers' anniversaries and birthdays.  Since I've started, they've morphed from being cute and simple to being hilarious masterpieces that reflect the personality of the celebrated.

On Wednesday, my co-workers made me promise to post pictures of my poster.  They were very proud of themselves already.  I knew that something was going on, but I had no choice other than to agree.  Remember this picture?

Everyone seems to love it.  I even like it.  I mean, you have to laugh every time you see it.  It's awesome.  Well, they took that glorious face, and made this.

And since I know you can't get the full effect from that small picture, I took individual pictures of each frame.  I'll also provide explanations for further clarification.

First thing you need to know is that they are fascinated by all of the random, useless knowledge I posses.  It comes from having tried and discarded many hobbies over the years.

#1:  The Vice President.  Kate is always telling me "when you run for political office someday"... I have always maintained the opinion that the best Executive branch position is Vice President, because they do all of the hard work, without having as much scrutiny.

#2:  I lay down the law.  Boom.

#3:  The Kindergarten Teacher.  My wardrobe closely resembles that of an elementary school teacher's.  And I tell a lot of silly stories.

#4:  Buddha.  Emily took to calling me that, again because I know a lot of useless information.  I feel uncomfortable when they compare me to Buddha, but it amuses the girls to no end.

#5:  The Lumberjack.  Your guess is as good as mine.  I think they picked this on the merits of the giant axe.

There you have it... Kristen through the eyes of the people who spend 40-ish hours a week with her.  I hope it made you smile.  Have a wonderful Friday!!!

Who enjoys a good ole' train wreck?

Seriously people, this is by far my most awkward vlog ever.  Mostly because I get very shifty-eyed where talking about feelings.  And I try to make awkward jokes to make myself feel less deep and emotional.

I was, in fact, going to re-record this.  Ammon told me that I should post it, that it "wasn't that bad".  Ringing endorsement if I ever heard one.  But, since I'm about to marry the guy, I'm taking his advice and posting the vlog as it is.  So please don't un-follow me, just be angry with Ammon.

Click here for the link to a post about what I actually do believe, regardless of the title you put on a religion.  Or don't.  You can choose.

And if you're wondering about the "need for certainty", then by golly, watch the TED talk I posted yesterday.  It's even funny, especially the part where Tony Robbins high fives Al Gore, and then blames Al for getting him off topic.  Hilarious.

So, here's the part where I welcome your thoughts, reactions, feelings, etc.  You can even tell me things like "you really need to stop doing these vlogs", or "I don't like it when you get all deep and emotional", or "how awkward was it when you stared your cat in the eye and lost all thought???"  All of these things are acceptable to say, and many more.  So pick your prose, and put it below.

Have a lovely day, lovelies.

I changed my mind

I'm fully aware that I promised you guys a vlog about what's on my heart.  Well, Ammon's taken over the office to work on a major presentation for his Senior Seminar, and I'm currently obsessing over Dancing with the Stars, and The Voice.  Can I just mention that I'm so glad that Kelly and Val are going through to next week?  I officially love them.




Rawr.  I think it's the extra element of drama they add with the entire "are they?" love affair business.  Totally a cheap trick from a soap star, but I just don't care.  It works.

It also reminds me of Cameron Diaz's character from "What to Expect When You're Expecting".

Source: imdb.com via kanna on Pinterest

I wish I could've found a picture of her winning the dancing competition.  Oh well.  Such is life.

So, speaking of pregnancy, I don't think I've mentioned my baby fever over here in a hot minute.  I'm really excited for Alyx to have her baby, so that we can all meet up and go camping and I can hold her baby next summer.  Alyx and I have a mutual love for Custer, SD, and have made a pact to make it there at the same time next summer.  I plan to get as much baby-snuggling time in as she'll let me.  And even better?  If I were already preggers when that trip happens.  Would it surprise you to know that I want to get knocked up like, the DAY after our wedding???  I do.  I'm ready to start the motherhood book in the saga of my life.

...I have no picture to accurately depict all of that nonsense.  Whoops.

Last, I'm leaving you with another TED talk.  I hope you aren't sick of these... there are a few thousand out there, so expect lots of sharing on my part from here on out.  This one has a lot to do with the heavy thoughts I want to talk about in my vlog.  So, if you want to watch my vlog, it would be good to watch this TED talk first, so that I don't have to spend 5 minutes summing things up.  Besides, if you're at all like me, you'll spend at least 20 minutes looking at crazy stuff on the internet today... might as well make it something that is simultaneously informational and educational.

Tony Robbins is pretty incredible, no?  No matter how you feel about some of his language and methods, this guy knows his stuff.

So, perhaps tomorrow I'll spill my heart.  Then again, tomorrow is a Thursday, and we all know how I feel about Thursdays.  I guess we'll see what happens!

Pimped out snowmen

You won't know based on the length of this post today, but I have a lot of things that I would like to talk about.  A lot of really tricky, juicy, emotional things.  Things that I have trouble translating from rambling thoughts into concise, coherent sentences, paragraphs, prose.  It's all come about as a result of a great talk with the most-talented health/life coach, Seth Braun.  I think that soon (maybe tomorrow), I'll do a vlog about some of these thoughts.  For now, I'll give you a sneak peak of what Seth and I talked about:

I don't know how much you can make out of that... but one thing you can tell... my handwriting is not so exemplary.  Sorry.

I have something else to tell you about today.  You see, I am so lucky that I know funny people, and we have some funny conversations.  Yesterday, 2 amazing one-liners came into being, and I feel obligated to share them, so that we can all experience some Tuesday cheer:

1) "Apparently snowmen are effective as birth control.  Who knew?"  Said by me, to the gorgeous Shaylynn

2) "Fear is a bad pimp, Kristen.  It's all, come on baby, you need me."  The man himself, Seth Braun.

Yeah, this is a total cop-out post.  However, I hope you giggled a bit, and I hope I'm enticing you to check in for a longer-than-normal vlog later this week.  Have a fantastic day!