Letting things go

Yesterday, I did something that I had been putting off doing for a very, very, very long time.  Before I tell you just what I let go of, I need to give you some serious back-story on my pathology.

I don't let go of things.  Emotionally, spiritually, or physically.  I hold on to good things and bad things for a very long time.  This has been the case with me for my entire life.  It makes living in a 2 bedroom apartment very cramped when you have this problem.  In fact, we have 2 extra storage closets, plus a garage for storage, just to accommodate some of my excess.  It's embarrassing.  What do two people in their late 20's need with all of this stuff?

I think most of you know by now that I was involved in Mary Kay Cosmetics as an Independent Beauty Consultant for a couple of years.

What you don't know is that my involvement with that organization caused me to make some really bad decisions.  I allowed myself to go into a lot of debt, simply so that I could buy enough product to win the prizes and impress my Sales Director.  I believed the people around me when they told me that by "investing" in all of this product, I was setting myself up for success.  That I could, and would be one of the next sales directors to spring from my unit, earning a good amount of money, all while working from home on my own schedule.

This was the car that I was convinced I was going to earn in no time, the Chevy Equinox Crossover.  I had pictures of this car all over my apartment, keeping my eye on the prize.

You know what though?  As it turned out, Mary Kay wasn't the right path for me.  I had known it for a long time.  I knew that working for myself was really, really hard, and that I wasn't ready for it.  I wasn't able to pay my credit bills for my product with my sales, and so instead I started using my personal money to cover the costs.  What happened after that was a complete landslide into debt.  It's something that I've been very reticent to talk about, even 3 years later.  I am still paying for those poor choices.

And until yesterday, I still had about $3,000 worth of product sitting in a storage closet.  Yes, $3,000.  Conservative estimate, could've been more.  I had been wanting to donate it to a Women's shelter for ages.  And yet, I couldn't let go of it.  I was hoarding it, holding it, assuming that maybe someone would want something, or I could give it as gifts, or something.  I don't quite know.  I do know that every time I saw that stack of product, I felt a deep sense of failure.  It wasn't bad enough to have to look at my bills every month and see how far I'd gotten off track, I also had physical, tangible reminders of my biggest financial mistake.  Yesterday, I let it all go.  I saved a few products I still loved, and took the rest to an organization that helps battered women.  After dropping it off, I texted Ammon to let him know what I had just accomplished.

He asked me how I felt.

I felt terrified.  I still feel terrified as I write this.  Because now I really have to cut my losses and move on.  The physical reminder of failure is gone.  Yes, the financial reminder is still there, and it probably will be for a while.  But I'm one step closer.

I've been hoarding these feelings about this all for a very long time.  I felt ashamed, and I worried that I would be judged harshly for my choices.  I have already been judged for my choices by people.  I have judged myself.   I'm realizing now that the only way to move past these emotions is to admit to them, and to talk about them.  If people want to judge me, that's on them, I guess. 

So now, as someone who doesn't let go of things well, I ask for your advice.  How do you move past failure?  How do you let go of thoughts, emotions, and possessions that are holding you back?