I'm sorry I haven't been here that much for a while. I actually come to this place pretty often. I start to write, to create, and.... the words come out, but they either come out wrong, or they just aren't right. I don't understand it, really, and I find myself deleting draft after draft of the things I wish I could tell you.
I just don't remember how to do it anymore.
How to express the hard stuff without coming across too self-deprecating, too pathetic, too sad.
How to express the thoughtful stuff completely, yet concisely, and in a way that matters to anyone (even me).
How to express the joy and goodness without seeming like a braggart.
How to share who I am in this very moment right now and be okay with showing that to people, even if I'm not okay with it.
And maybe that's the crux of it - being okay with myself. Being okay with being utterly joyful about the blessings we have received, and being okay with the dark times. If I'm being quite honest, I feel quite uncomfortable with both states of being. There are some wonderful people like my husband who have no problems with this, they just accept whatever is here, and they consider it valid. I envy them as I'm over here, trying to talk myself out of whatever I'm feeling, because it's "too happy", or "too sad".
Why do I have to regard whatever I'm doing as too much? As my dad always says, "Everything in moderation, except moderation." Shouldn't that apply to feelings too? I don't know, now I'm just spouting nonsense.
...But if we're gonna talk about moderation, it wouldn't hurt to mention that is something that I just haven't practiced much of lately... to the tune of 12 pounds. Ouch.
It took me a little bit to feel like things were normal when I started blogging again after such a long time. Writing is definitely like any other muscle, if you don't use it it will become weak.
ReplyDeleteDon't let the thoughts of others hinder what you heart wants to say, though. I promise you, I will never be unhappy or envious if you are happy. You work so hard in all you do, you deserve to be happy. :) and if you're ever sad I will be here to lend a listening ear and offer my love and support. <3
I so feel you. I struggle with feeling like I'm complaining too much, or being too sad, or "too" something. It sucks. I too wish I could just let go and accept where I'm at, but my brain apparently doesn't work that way. Big hugs to you. I'll read whatever you write with no judgments! xo
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling with the blogging too... and also with the moving. We've just moved interstate as well, and at first we were looking at buying a house and now we're renting, but also consider still buying a house and I just have all the emotions. ALL THE EMOTIONS.
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