I have fears about marriage

I planned in advance a fun and light-hearted post about a time that I felt afraid for the #blogtember challenge prompt yesterday.  I was having a hard time acknowledging that there are things that make me very afraid.  Because really, with the level of anxiety I always exist with, I tend to just brush everything off as my particular brand of neurosis.  It's much easier than saying, "yes, that is a real and legitimate fear, and you are right in being concerned by that."  Which is what I know a lot of you will say in response to this actual, deep, dark fear of mine.

You see, I have a lot of fear surrounding marriage.  Not the actual aspect of being married -- that is all good. 

More that I have a lot of fears about irreconcilable differences.  Of separation.  Of the "d" word.  I never pegged myself as one of those people who would obsess so much and so strongly about the state of their marriage, but here we are, and here I am.  Looking to Ammon almost constantly for reassurance that we are going to "make it", despite the statistics, despite the number of people we know who are separating or divorcing.

I know that divorce is not the end of the world.  I know that divorce, in some instances, is the best thing that can happen to a family.  I understand that people grow and change, and sometimes that growth and change drives a wedge between them.  I get the reasons that people go there, and I guess that's what scares me the most... that I see the reason and sometimes need for that act.  On some totally not rational level do not want to see a rational reasoning behind a decision that seems so irrational to an outsider.  Without being the fly on the wall in someone's marriage, you only see what they choose to share, for good or ill.  That couple that seems perfect, that moves to a town because they love the church so much they must be members, they're splitting.  WHAT???  How is that so?  There must be a reason, but my head can not comprehend.  They had all of the tools at their disposal; books on marriage (usually geared towards Christians), retreats, a strong church community, and the opportunity for counseling with a pastor.  If they couldn't work it out, what kind of serious disadvantage do Ammon and I face, who claim no official religious affiliation, and have never found a church community that we feel safe and a part of?  Where are the books on marriage that are geared towards couples with no set religious beliefs, or even differing religious beliefs?

::Deep breath::

::Deep breath::

As I write this, I tell you that I have a lot of confidence in my marriage.  Ammon and I made those commitments to each other back in August 2010, and we haven't looked back (much) since that time.  We agreed that, come what may, we would be there for each other and stick it out for the long haul.  For 37 months, we've done a pretty bang-up job of it, really.  But we could be better.  We want to be better.  We need to be better.  Our marriage is on the line.